Bummer

Let's face it, life is full of disappointment. This is something I've said many times before, and not to belabor the glass half-empty point of view, but it's true. I was recently reminded of this once again when I heard the news that I had not been chosen to travel to Buenos Aires for work. I really wanted to go, despite the fact that it would keep me from attending Miss America this January, and I put a lot of effort into the application. I was prepared for either answer, knowing that I'd experience some excitement and disappointment regardless of the outcome.

When I got the news, I was far less upset than I thought I'd be. There were no tears, no angry tyrades, and no bitter bashing of the program's committee. What I did feel was comlete and utter frustration, which I'd argue is the best possible reaction I could have had. I was far less upset by the fact that I wouldn't be traveling abroad (though the excitment of going to Miss America certainly helped), and had a much harder time processing the concept that I wasn't good enough for something.

I admit, it's a bit self-deprecating, but it's 100% true. It's not that I think I wasn't qualified enough to go or that I wouldn't have kicked major butt in Argentina, but the fact remains that I failed to sell myself in essay form to a committee of decision makers. It wasn't personal. I knew I had done my best, and there is nothing else I could have done that would have made a difference. I started working on the essay well in advance, I made all the right contacts, and I presented a logical argument to the committee. And still, it didn't happen. Frustration is what I feel when I've done my part and someone else controls the outcome.

I haven't always taken this approach to dealing with disappointment. I distinctly remember getting a rejection letter from the University of North Carolina and crying over it for hours (and likely days). It was one of the first times in my life that my best wasn't good enough and I didn't know how to deal with the disappointment. Of course, at the age of 17, I had mastered the ability to place blame on everyone but myself, and to this day I still take joy in seeing the Tarheals lose in basketball (or really any sport, for that matter).

Regardless, whether or not you believe in a higher power, master plan, fate, destiny, or none of the above, as human beings we all strive to make sense of our experiences, especially in trying times. Every time I face a new disappointment of any sort of significance, I immediately begin looking for "the reason". This is one of my coping mechanisms, and it has served me well, with one giant exception being the time I thought I didn't win Miss Michigan because I was meant to meet my emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend. That just goes to show how emotionally vulnerable we are in the wake of major let-downs and how desperate we can be to make sense of it quickly. It can be difficult to decipher the true meaning of a situation from our own self-dillusion, if at all possible. However, I'm not sure that it's worth figuring out. Sometimes you just have to let go and let life happen.

So, that's what I'm doing now. I've picked up a few new side projects and looking (or perhaps waiting) for the next big one. More on that to come.

gv